You take a Democrat and a Republican and you keep them both out of office, and I bet you they will turn out to be good friends and make useful citizens, and devote their time to some work instead of ‘lectioneering all the time. — 11th November 1923

Once a man is President, he is just as hard to pry out of there as a Senator, or a town constable, or any political officer. — 29th May 1932

Diplomats write notes, because they wouldn’t have the nerve to tell the same thing to each other’s face. — 9th June 1928

Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with nowadays. — 28th June 1931

We just have to get used to charging so much off to graft, just like you have to charge off so much for insurance, taxes, or depreciation. It’s part of our national existence that we just have become accustomed to. — 25th November 1934

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and their politicians as a joke, when it used to be vice versa. — 22nd November 1932

The Republicans want a man that will lend dignity to the office, and the Democrats want a man that will lend some money. — 11th July 1930

About the only thing you can safely say is that both parties stand for re-election! — 21st September 1928

I see by the papers this morning that each political party has some plan of relieving the unemployed.
They have been unemployed for three years, and nobody paid any attention to ’em. But now, both parties discovered that [although] they are not working, there’s nothing in the Constitution to prevent them from voting. — 6th June 1932

Thank goodness there will be no more wars. Now you tell one. — 6th January 1927

Does College pay? It does if you are a good open field runner! — Notes, 1926

No sir, they can all knock education that want, but it’s the college men that carry on, and fill the jobs, and work for the ignorant men that own the business. — “How to be Funny”

The more you know, the more you think somebody owes you a living. — 4th September 1931

I interviewed Al Capone once, but I never did write the story. There was no way I could write it and not make a hero out of him.
What’s the matter with us when our biggest gangster is our greatest national interest? — Notes

Just to be rich and nothing else is practically a disgrace nowadays. — 11th June 1929

If a bank fails in China, they behead the man at the head of it that was responsible. If one fails over here, we write the men up in the magazines, as how they started poor, worked hard, took advantage of their opportunities (and depositors), and today are rated as “up in the millions.”
If we beheaded all of ours that were responsible for failures, we wouldn’t have enough people left to bury the heads. — 6th February 1927

After reading the casualty list every Fifth of July morning, one learns that we have killed more people celebrating our independence than we lost fighting for it. — 22nd July 1923

Wouldn’t it be great if Mexico started electing by the ballot instead of by the bullet, and us electing by the ballot instead of by the bullion. — 2nd September 1928

The difference between a Bandit and a Patriot is a good Press Agent. — 30th April 1930

Japan has found out that any door is open to those that have the best product at the cheapest money. — 30th April 1932

…we found that [the Chinese] had some things to sell cheaper than the rest of the world, so that, naturally made them a problem. — 2nd April 1932