First cross-reference of the day.

Have you ever watched the slow progress of skin cancer and you’re not telling anyone because you want to see what skin cancer is all about, taking the risk of metastasising states of energy taking over the rest of your so-called body?

Did your spouse die on your watch and now you’re trying to convince your spouse’s mother to move in with you but she’s hesitant because everything about you – you, your house, your lifestyle, your town (maybe even your own children (i.e., her grandchildren, except for her nonblood relations, a grandson in-law and son in-law)) – reminds her of her dead child and she’s too old/frail to have/want to relive those memories, including an upcoming wedding that to her will dredge up the old memories again?  Are you willing to face those facts and let sleeping dogs lie?

Have you realised your joyous anticipation of your spouse’s out-of-town business trips is telling you something you’re trying not to think about?

Do you save an organisation for your own enjoyment by getting rid of people in the organisation who are opposed to you and/or your subcultural icons?  Or do you throw the baby out with the bath water and move on to some other form of enjoyment that your subculture has created for you, even if it’s not exactly what you want?

Am I afraid to speak to myself in specific terms here because, although I know no one reads these words, it feels like others misinterpret what I say for their personal agendum/agenda that conflict with the big picture that I and the Committee are painting?

I volunteered to take on the job of sacrificing billions of my kind for something that has an infinitesimal chance of success and which none of us will know if we succeeded.

I also know that when you start destroying whole subcultures for the sake of the culture, you create a subclass of anarchic saboteurs who may or may not get funding from out-of-favour aristocrats wanting to force their agenda back into the limelight.

I realise that some of those on the Committee are the very same aristocrats who fought their way back into a position of power, thinking they’re getting what they want, and me knowing that they’ll ultimately fail, so we throw them a lot of high-profit business their way that has no strong effect on the big picture (although it does drag its progress back in time slightly) and keeps them preoccupied with fanning their vanity.

I once believed a Committee membership was a position of purity and sanctity.  I strived to cleanse the main path of my thoughts of signposts pointing to side trails I took to entertain myself.  That way, I would be fully focused on my Committee membership and nothing else.

As if the Committee was composed of godlike beings, not another person like me who is full of conflicting wants and needs.

I don’t crave power.  I have one simple want and need – freedom for freedom’s sake alone.

Along the way, my domesticated, caged states of energy hypnotised themselves into believing freedom is real.

It’s all relative, I suppose.

The “I” that doesn’t exist fooled itself into existence and now is struggling to free itself from staring at its false sense of self in the vanity mirror.

2011 is a tough year, indeed.  So many more millions of people to let die or kill for a purpose I can’t guarantee myself is worth the cost.

Billions in the longterm.

If you only knew what was really going on.

The rest of the Committee laughs whenever they hear me struggle to explain to you the unexplainable, the ultimate nondisclosure agreement.

Giving me the leadership of the Committee was a cruel joke.

I wish I could share the punchline with you – it’s the funniest one you’ll ever hear, making anything else that seems humourous impale your comparisons.