“Doctor, I don’t think he’ll talk!”

“Wait, you fool.  I’ll pull some more of his teeth and then we’ll watch him cry for mercy right before he tells us what he knows.”

“But Doctor, he can’t talk.”

“That’s what my last assistant said and you remember what I did to her, don’t you?”

“Yes, Doctor, after hearing one more of your snide remarks, she quit, married a nice man, got a PhD in construction paper design techniques and became a successful craft hobbyist.”

“The idiot!  She could have been filthy rich and immortally famous!”

“Yes, Doctor, that’s what you keep telling me.”

“Give me the large pliers.”

“Here.”

“Okay, apply the anaesthesia.”

“But, Doctor, I thought you wanted him to suffer pain.”

“What?  Do you think I am a butcher?  This is a living being we’re operating on.  He will suffer later when he sees his beautiful smile is gone.”

“Yes, Doctor.”

“Here are the upper front teeth.  Put them in that jar.”

“Yes, Doctor.”

“I will leave one tooth in the upper jaw and one tooth in the lower jaw just to show I am merciful.”

“Yes, Doctor.”

“Here are the lower teeth.  Put them in the other jar.”

“Yes, Doctor.”

“Now, turn off the anaesthesia and we will come back in an hour while he is just gaining consciousness.”

. . .

“Doctor, he is waking up.”

“So, my little friend, are you going to share your secrets with us or must I shove a mirror in your face to show you what we have done to you?”

“Doctor, he can’t talk.”

“What?  You question my methods?  Of course he’ll talk.  I always get these creatures to spill their guts.”

“Yes, Doctor, but that’s only when you slip with the knife while opening up their chest cavities.”

“Aah!  I hear a soft sound.  He’s about to say something, I’m sure.”

“Yes, Doctor.  I hear it, too.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m rubbing the patient’s back.  It’s a trick I learned as a child to get a response.”

“He is groaning, then?”

“No, Doctor, he is purring.  It’s what he does.”

“MEOW!”

“There, he has spoken!”

“Yes, Doctor, the cat is fully awake now.  Can we call his owner and tell him his cat is ready to go home?”

“Not until I find out the cat’s owner’s secret identity.  You are aware that cats pick up their owners’ language and translate it into their speech patterns.  Get the owner on the phone!”

“Yes, Doctor.”

“And this time, make sure the high-fidelity recording system is working.  We will capture a conversation between the owner and the cat and send it to the lab for voice print analysis.”

“Yes, Doctor.”

“And I will finally be famous for uncovering the real person who hides with his feline protectors at his secure hideaway tucked into an average suburban housing estate!”

“If you say so, Doctor.”

“I do not say.  I know!”